November 4, 2008
Although today is the infamous election day, I'm not going to talk about it.
Yes! I'm going to be one out of a million. I've talked about politics enough! It's time for a new subject.
It's not like I have no appreciation for politics or anything, trust me, I have already taken part of this epidemic act.
I even took to Washington D.C. on a basis of purely politics.
Just because I have been talking about politics for such a long time, I want to stop.
It's all over now. Let's just all hope for the best.

Although this is my second blog, I was actually surprised with myself.
Although I had once said that this was only to act as a way of escaping my troubled world,
I unexpectedly caught myself checking for comments or any views.
I simply contradicted myself.
To think now, even though I had said that I wanted to blog for the sole purpose of discovering myself, getting away from the so judgmental world, I think I still want someone to listen.
Someone who can understand without judging me.

I guess I really don't know myself as much as I want to be. Or at all.
Acting the way that everyone else wants of me has stripped me of my personality and opinion.
This is the bare truth.
No matter how much I want soften the truth or in honesty, run away from it, I can't seem to.
All these years of running would have had to stop one day and it did.
This stop was shaken my world.
I don't know where to go and my once treasured religion is something that I seem to not be able to grasp firmly with my hands as I have done before.
I'm afraid.
Afraid that I will lose all that I have and lose the people I love.
I know my blogs are so rambunctious but its because I have had so many things all bottled up inside and I don't know how to organize it all and let it out smoothly.
To be honest, I have never been able to tell anyone of my troubles.
This bottling up has caught up with me and I don't know what to do except let it go.
Although I look for a friend to alleviate this pressure, I'm worried that they would be judgmental.
I know many people condescend "emos", or people who inflict harm to themselves, but I kind of understand.
I don't self-mutilate myself or anything, but I understand that when the pain inside hurts so much, having some sort of outer, physical pain relieves it.
Pain inside, especially in your heart, will only build up if it is a uncontainable amount of pain.
Like when your heart hurts so much, waiting outside in the freezing cold is better.
Just being able to take focus off the things that hurt you so much with something that seems almost trivial is okay.
Not having to think about the things that hurt you so much, even if its for a second, is okay.

Do not misunderstand me. I do not support any type of self cutting or damaging yourself.
I'm just saying that I understand why people might try to hurt themselves.
Like why people would drink. People know that beer is unhealthy.
Not being aware of the facts is not what causes people to drugs and alcohol.
I think people know that those things are harmful, when they throwing up and become sick as a result.
People do not know why they should not resort to drugs and alcohol.
Why they should not turn to things like that to take their pain away.

As my parents were going through divorce, religion was the only thing that keep me away from
those things. I wonder what would have happened if I was to resort to that kind of relief.
If only I had made one bad step...
If only...

I talk about pain because I have gone through it so much and it seems that it will not be over.
I wonder if the pain will ever stop.
I wonder if the people I love will stop hurting me.
I wonder if I will ever get the chance to be free.
Sorry for this long, long blog.
If you have read this, thank you.
Thank you for even taking concern into random things.
Although it may be trivial randomness to others, I have never been so chained by such random things.
Thank you for listening.

Ha, I look at my title, remember what I wanted to talk about, but how I never really got to it.
Oh well....maybe next time. :)